MBH Funny Status Messages

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty.

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.