father OR dad Funny Status Messages

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   I wonder during the election for Pope, did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly "you are NOT the father"

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it