Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there are two words in life that will open many doors for you: pull and push.

   Whenever someone says, "I think of you as family," I always assume they're gonna start screaming at me for something that happened 20-30 years ago...

   Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.

   Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.

   I'm still trying to find where that gold is at in these "the golden years"

   If you're born in November, your parents probablity had a fun Valentine's day.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.

   I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91, Financial news, Kleenex is announcing profit lost for next year.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.