Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Most historians agree that Marie Antoinette's first menstrual cycle was one of the greatest periods in history.

   A more fitting name for Target would be "How The Heck Did I Spend $233.44?!?!"

   I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.

   ..... Unfortunately in the real world an organization urging to SAVE Humanity ....... Sadly .... is almost always a front for a politically motivated group seeking to rule it.

   Just created a Tinder page for my dog and he's already got more right swipes than me.

   Cats get all the single chicks.

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   Sat through half of 'Pitch Perfect' with my wife and daughter before realizing it wasn't a movie about baseball.

   The fact that Soundgarden and Natalie Portman never combined talents and formed a mega band called Black Hole Swan makes me feel blue.

   Asks for a large coffee and this guy says, "1 Grande." Dude, this is an annexed Starbucks in the grocery store....get over yourself.