Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.

   I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically

   Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.