Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! 
I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office
When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.
I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
Are the double maskers going to start yelling at the single maskers?
Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.
Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
Sociopath: The Sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are Guilty of. They do this to deflect attention from themselves.
how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment 