Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..