Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?