Snotty Funny Status Messages

   In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix

   “I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster

   For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   And on the third day God created the beach,, so every 70's rock band would have a place to shoot their album cover.

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.