Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?