jdpower Funny Status Messages

   "Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   Dated a blind girl once, her name was .::. ::.:. ..:.:. :.:..::. ..:::.

   Not to be insensitive, but this oil spill better not affect my access to delicious pelican meat.

   Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago.

   I hope South Pole doesn't respond to increased North Pole activity with military exercises. Everybody settle down.

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

   The founder of 'Jews for Jesus' died today.. the funeral will be catered by 'Vegetarians for Meat'

   I've gotta come clean... that's why I jack-off with Purell

   Ricky Martin has answered the question, "Are you gay?". But for many, another question remains: "Who's Ricky Martin?"

   Which is the best new slur for hipsters: Fauxhemian or Doucheoisie? I'm thinking Doucheoisie.

   After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza

   looks like I wont be updating my status anytime soon..

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.

   New study shows that too much Facebook leads to alcohol/drug abuse, which leads to neglecting one's imaginary sheep.

   I hate when people put words in my mouth.. with the possible exceptions of “waffle” or “sandwich.”

   JaMarcus Russell has admitted failing a drug test. It's all explained in his new book "Eat Pray Eat Love Eat Chug Purple Drank Eat".

   Somewhere in America, a guy at a CVS wisely and at the last minute, puts back the loofah