Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   When the quarantine lasts longer than expected and your cousin starts looking extra thick.

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   The bird, the bird, the bird is the word!

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.