santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!

   I don't deliver to Trailer Parks. If your house is on wheels, you must have done something wrong. - SANTA CLAUS

   reading Santa's Naughty Girls list...... Thank you Wikileaks

   Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\

   .... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   You may be pushing Christmas a little too much if you take your candle out of your Jack-O-Lantern and stick it in your Window!!...Just Sayin..

   Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   Well I just bought another load of laundry and a few things to dust for Christmas... I hope my family and friends enjoy a little extra work... You're welcome...That's just how I roll...

   thinks Santa is a judgemental twat who bears a grudge. I've explained the Elves incident a hundred times now. So what if I was caught naked with one of his helpers in a cupboard, it was all an innocent mistake!

   I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   If your parents ever call you a liar, just say "Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa". Then walk away like a BOSS!

   Megyn Kelly said "Jesus and Santa Claus are white" well if they weren't they live in Detroit and East St. Louis!

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!