Funny Status Messages

   Who knew Justin Bieber was old enough to have an expired license? Also, he blew .014 caused by too many gummi bears.

   Demarryus thomass

   holy harvin batman

   I was watching a tutorial on youtube about how to sleep but it was so boring that I fell asleep

   I hit "<BACK" one too many times on the Red Box machine. Now it wants to know if I want my selections on VHS or BETAMAX.

   I wish I was funny

   We have matching problems. Must be fate.

   If walking to car on a frozen driveway was in the olympics I would take the gold. So graceful when I almost fall down.

   Zuckerberg has agreed to expunge the "Dictatators Suck" FB Page ~ Kim Jong-un

   My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"

   I really don't mind if you don't something for me as long as you dont' say you are going to do it but don't.

   Went out and bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it :-s

   the guy with the giraffe and all the gold tryin' to give the Dos Equis guy a run for his money?

   Found a can of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes in a men's room stall at work. I don't think I'd want to wipe my a$$ with anything that has Clorox in it. That can't end well. (Pardon the pun)

   There are 25 interesting things you can do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking!

   It took losing you to find me though it would have taken finding me to keep me from losing you.

   Glad to see Lady GaGa(g) selected another food group for the Grammy's. Then performed as Barbara Eden of "I Dream Of Jeannie"

   Casey Anthony trial ends today. Roger Clemens trial begins today. Coincidence?.... I think not.

   It's bad enough that my dog picked one of the most congested streets to take a sh*t, but he had to do it in the middle of the sidewalk while people stared. Psh, puppies.

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.