life Funny Status Messages

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take

   high on life... dont worry. its just cereal. and its still legal :)

   Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised.

   Life is like an FB friend list, people come into your life an present unlimited possibilities. What you do with them is up to you. Some you interact with. Some you don't . And some you say "Who the heck is this person and what are they doing in my life?

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   “It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.

   Shower = 2% Wash Body | 3% Wash Hair | 95% Contemplate Life.

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   They praise and call Brice brave for changing into a woman. They hail it as an achievement. This world has really gone to the dogs. I remember a time when bravery was risking your life fighting against the Nazi. Achievement was landing on the moon.

   My wife and I have an agreement...I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run my life.

   If the meaning of life is the greatest mystery of all, why don't we put Matlock on the case? You know what I'm talking about…AWWW YEAH

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.

   There is no worse bicthassness than snapping and blowing up on someone who hasn't done you any wrong simply because your miserable and pathetic life is stressing you out.

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.