abbybaby34 Funny Status Messages

   I wish the camera would add ten pounds to my bank account

   Don't get me wrong. I totally hear what you're saying...I just don't care.

   To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

   We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.

   It's official I've finally been over notified.

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!

   The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

   Look, I know you have your "swag on" but can you walk a little bit faster?

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   I just got an email asking me if I wanted to "be larger so I could please my lady." Heck no! She's the one who put me on this diet to begin with!

   Did I un-jam the copier? Yes. Does that make me a hero? Not for me to say. But probably.

   When people ask "do you believe in aliens?", I just say "have you seen Lady Gaga?"

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.

   I hate you cheetos . You ruined all my good jeans .

   I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

   I don't have an attitude problem. I have an attitude that you have a problem with. Therefore, I just have an attitude!

   I found the key to success...however, I found a note from success's landlord saying that the locks have been changed.

   My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."

   Damn!! My internet is running slower than a turtle with 3 broken legs and a massive head injuty--doesn't it know that I am a FB addict?