Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

   it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.