Funny Status Messages
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according today's date on my transforming robot quartz watch I am in fact not stuck in the 80s despite what others say. 
I had so much Peczki today that I can go to Mardi Gras for a Drink and see some girls on International Women Day, Show me your puppies I'll give you some Peczki!!!
US Congress is looking to reduce budget deficit by combining national healthcare with the TSA. Head to your local airport next time you need an X-ray or cancer exam.
You know what tomorrow is right? International have a good excuse to get way to wasted off of green beer day!
Don't Mind Me Just Trying to Find the name on the back of your Girl Jeans
You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.
There should be a temporary ignore function on cell phones.
with your looks and my brains, we could totally win a sports radio trivia contest.
The best things in life aren't free, they're 16 bucks a case and either 60 bucks at the cat house or the cost of room and board at home.
If I were you I'd keep silent.
why do frogs make a mass exodus across the road when it rains?
Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."
Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.
Though I was shuffling at work, turns out it was an earthquake..
I got blown out in my Fantasy Hurricane League this weekend
Its times like these that makes me wish I had that BUDWEISER app for my Iphone
In honor of the Royal wedding coinciding with the release of Fast 5...I liveth my days one furlong at a time. For that fortnight or less, I possess the greatest freedom.
always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort
You made trendsetting, innovative and brilliant products that most people cannot afford but all the same RIP Steve Jobs.
Tries to make his burps sounds like a Transformer. 