Funny Status Messages
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One time a bird dropped some mac & cheese on my windshield. Initially I thought "Are you kidding me?!" but once I understood that this was in fact a magical dinner suggestion from God, all was right with the world once again. 
thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.
thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.
nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet
contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!
out like janet jackson's right nipple! g'nite! =)
Was at a pet store when a gerbil went "WOOF", then I noticed a gay guy behind me!!
I like my women like I like my peanut butter... chunky.
Undertakers have announced that now michael Jackson has died he's gonna be melted down to make toys, so the kids can play with him for a change!
When the Beatles said they were "bigger than Jesus" they were right. 'Cause people were way shorter back then in Jesus times
Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"
My factory job was shipped to China, my new job can't pay the Bill's, I can't afford college and my current government blocked my healthcare. But I always vote for Trump so everyone gets a gun. That's important to me!
Has anyone ever noticed the & symbol looks like a man dragging his a$$ across the floor?
Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants. : )
Christianity is a complete waste of time and resources.
Rent prices have got people staying in relationships that ended years ago
In many cases, dogs aren't always man's best friend. They're one man's best friend. They're usually everyone else's enemy.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people
writing a list and checking it twice
Growing up,,, My daughter always wanted to be a "Disney" princess,,,,, : Darth Vader 