Funny Status Messages
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I'm not here today. This is a holographic representation of me, have a good day.... 
Ya know some days, I just don't feel like having a conversation of witty build-up to which I know is going to lead to an unsatisfing joke!
Nobody takes a leap of faith anymore, noone knows what its like to give everything for a chance to win something.. but you know what kellogs poptarts box, i've got a date with destiny.
lazy rule: if you can't reach it, you don't need it. if you do need it, scream HELP!! HELP!! someone will eventually show up.
Because of Facebook, the only presidential candidate we'll be able to have in 2040 is someone too stupid to know how to use Facebook.
If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.
Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any.
It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...
Do "lol" goes before or after the sentence??? Everytime I read something funny, I quickly stop laughing out loud cuz I get frustrated
ready to post something, anything on page 3000
They have hookers at the Market now...brb I need some Cantaloupes
Hey has anyone tried that bacon sunday at bk? Or was that just an awesome dream I had last night...
so tired from working... I wouldn't even take a blow job...
I'm going to some yard sales so I can point at people's crotches and say nice junk.
Grumble,,grumble,,,,,, I'm just going to answer you in thrusting motions.
If you rearrange Twitter Drama, you get Am Retard Twit.
FB jackings just another fantasy by the annonymous
A booty call for Star Trek nerd is a Ferengi with Benefits.
there are more errors in this world series game than they are in the show 16 and pregnant
"Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bast-ards." 