Funny Status Messages

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?

   Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   Texbook: a tex message that way too long.

   Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   ive been seeing this girl in my building for about 2 weeks,but its over now she caught me and threatened to call the cops.

   It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

   Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse

   If you don't lose a finger or two this weekend can you really even call yourself an American.

   FBI Director James Comey: "probably hacked" .... In other news, ..... Russian universities dominate in 2016 Computer and Server Hacking Competition

   Having more RT's than likes is the social media unicorn.

   Flipping past the Bachelorette and immediately was texted by CVS letting me know my Valtrex prescription was filled.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.