Funny Status Messages

   I took beano in honor of earth day and I'm not gonna dump my ash tray till tomorrow...

   The hardest part about solving this Magic Eye poster is that Seal keeps telling me to stop staring at his face.

   According to a study on How to Avoid Being Defriended on Facebook: Science Unlocks the Secret..... Dont Be An A**, Yes its as simple as that !

   Prison is peculiar. All the pros are cons.

   Crayola coming out with a new color Oompa Loompa in honor of Jersey Shore and Willy Wonka

   Yesterday for valentine's day I got six numbers, one more and I'd have a complete phone number... Maybe next year.

   jus submitted my mo ped for a pimp my ride episode..tassles on my handlebars would be AWESOME

   feeling very hot and sweaty right now. Who wants to become my fan?

   wonders if famous comedians ever steal my original funny thoughts....aaaaahhhhhhhh.. at least pay me

   It would be much appreciated if "emotionally damaged" was a relationship status, it would save me SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY!

   Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...

   thinks its rather strange that all the parents he's seen trick or treating with their children tonight have all been lard a$$es.... Who SERIOUSLY wants the candy here??!

   I think the jury will acquit Dr. Murray, but instead blame his plastic surgeons!

   There is just never enough Cashiers at Walmart! The only time there's enough cashier at Walmart is in the morning at 8am, when no is really thinking about shopping.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely sane person.

   I want to see if I can make it 2 full days before Santa puts me back on the "bad boys" list again this year, where I belong. So I'm going to wait til tomorrow before I go back to my normal status updates.

   When love wants to speak, reason must shut the hell up.

   Today My NASDAQ of friend reports: A loss of 3 friends, thats down from last week. So I need funnier jokes ppl!

   "Sorry, you're not my type." "WELL YOU'RE NOT MY SPECIES."

   I just called Chaz Bono "lady" now I'm sitting back and watching the fire works