Funny Status Messages
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"Why can't more people be just like you?" I wisper into the bun of giant meatball sub. 
Just got back from a third world country - I got my box full of Seattle Seahawks 49th Superbowl champions shirt suckers...
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into
NASCAR went with Toyota as a pace car...wanted them to see how it felt to be out front!
“Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop” to become a dev!l . Restraining order is on the way too.
My wife says she's not cumin home because she doesn't have thyme for my spice puns any more. I mustard upset her.
I hate it when your singing along with a song and the singer gets the words wrong.
Why swallow ur pride ,when you can make someone swallow their teeth
That bottle of beer doesn't care if you have bad breath. Its still happy to kiss you.
If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?
Kanye: Hey baby you wanna role play? Kim: Sure, that sounds super hot! Kanye: Ok, you be Kanye West
Can you say choke? We can.....Seahawks
The human heart is amazing. It can get hurt and in a few days it ready to get out and get some more pain.
Stevie wonder is blind and can play the piano but I can't get a text back 😒
Gray Matter Matters
have my Siri set up as a British Male voice so I can pretend I'm Nightrider or make people think I have a Butler .
I now have a very strange sensation that the world will end now Bowie is dead
"The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'"
If you're friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really Trump supporters.
I am who I am. I'm weird, I'm lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random and stupid stuff like fellow Trump supporters do. But, I like it that way. 