Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.

   I can say everything I will ever need to say to you with one finger.

   Its weird how Wall street was up and running like nothing happened, ....Oh my bad, I forgot....TeamRich&Wealthy with 2 or 3 homes flew or boated in to work.

   I'm the type of guy who would block fire exits. Because sometimes Natural selection needs to be nudged along.

   You know you have given up on life when you decide to get married.

   No, Microsoft, I'm not sending an error report because snitches get glitches

   When Australians count sheep it's similar to normal people counting how many people you've had sex with.

   I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China.

   (D)umb (R)etards (A)sking for (M)ore (A)ttention

   Guys before you start thinking lesser of yourselves and thinking women are to be worshiped remember that without your rib she wouldn't exist.

   Relax! It's a midget, not a child - Me, showing my favourite home made p0rno to my new girlfriend.

   to advertise in this space please call 0800 334 443

   Leave Me Alone! I Am Not Being Rude, It's Just That You Are Insignificant

   thinking the perfect holiday date for me this year has WELL HUNG stockings, a mistletoe belt buckle, nice christmas balls and NUMBA 1 SPOT on the naughty list.

   doesn't matter... golf is still boring.

   knows that when Jack Bauer rips a lamp off the wall, it's time to guard your nipples.

   We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

   ıɟ ʎon ɔɐu ɹǝɐp ʇɥıs ʎon ɯnsʇ qǝ ɐs qoɹǝp ɐs ı ɐɯ˙

   you should never brag on your spouse because as soon as you do, next thing you know they're f-ing a tattooed nazi

   Birdie Birdie in the sky did a poopie in my eye. I dont swear I dont cry I'm just glad that cows dont fly