Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dick Clark died?? Man I really dropped the ball on that one!!.....too soon?

   If I don't wear my tinfoil helmet, Jesus will tell me to eat all the donuts.

   Becoming a Doctor and changing my last name to Acula

   They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.

   FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong.

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.

   Some guy just asked me for the time like it's freakin 1993. "Hold tight good fellow, allow me to fetch my timepiece from my pantaloons."

   Exactly how is that Tennessee Hardware shop owner going to make that "NO G AYS ALLOWED!" sign work anyway? I mean how can he tell? Is there like a litmus test or some kind of g ay Deliverance hillbilly honor system we all don't know about?

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   punctuation is important. Take; Jesus, people are crazy or Jesus people are crazy. OK, that's a bad example but you know what I mean...

   Fish have been fed, crops have been harvested, wars have been won, dice have been rolled so off to bed I go. See all you other addicts tomorrow. Good Night!

   thinks this Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

   i just ordered a snuggie for dogs and I dont even have a dog... I just want to burn it because its the stupidest thing ive ever seen

   Where to find free beer and naked women. What? Crap! This isnt Google!

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   You can get anything from your man ladies just gag

   I see my ex is now on facebook and is married with children. Well one man's trash is another man

   Don't you hate it when all this hot, humid weather makes your nut sack look like batwings when they stick to your thighs? That's what Lady Ga Ga told me, too.

   Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.