Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SINGLE= Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   My pimp hand is like Verizon, all it takes is one smack and you better believe that b!tch "can hear me now."

   I think it is hilarious that the Wall St. protestors hate big corporations, carring signs made with posterboard and markers they bought at WALMART, while wearing their GAP jeans, taking pictures with their MOTOROLA or AT&T camera phones, and drinking from

   Steve Jobs says, "The only way Apple devices will get Flash is over my dead body."

   I figured out why I'm so fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   I could really use some TLC.....Tacos Laced with Cocaine.

   I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

   I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed. Don't blame me there were no windows

   The Lesbians across the street just mowed the grass.....I guess Spring is here.....

   Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because they are plugged into a genius.

   why is it that most men think that women drivers are rubbish when most women were taught to drive by a man in the first place..

   I represent The Pizza Is Too Damn Good party... People eatin pizza 8 hours a day and 40 hours a week, my main job is to provide pizza for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Listen some childs stomach just growled did ya hear it?Give em pizza! Pizza Too Damn Good

   If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ...

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.

   ''You ask!'' ''No, you ask!'' ''Pls just ask?'' ''why cant you do it?'' ''Fine.. excuse me, can we have some ketchup?''

   Storms can be scary to kids, so I tell my son that thunder is God beating Jesus because he "forgot" to put his toys away.

   A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: Ooooooo..... The McRib is back!

   Norwey is one of the richest countries per Capita in the World! Why would they want to come to your s**thole country, USA?

   having my phone number is like having a direct line to God, But better, because I answer.. .