Funny Status Messages

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

   Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.