Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers.

   Repeating jokes to different crowds is part of part of the fun, sometimes it is beneficial to change them up slightly each time, making them stronger, funnier jokes. So find something better to do with your time. Or just keep being a D!<k.

   "Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper" and it was ugly and they clung and they were stalker.

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   The O.J. Simpson chase: The slowest whyte Bronco since John Elway.

   A hint to the wise, a rod to the invader.

   If Dr. Ben Carson wrote down every single thought he ever had he would get an award for the shortest story ever.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   Mammogram sounds like a pet name for a great-grandmother

   If 90's R&B comes on in the bedroom, we making a baby. I don't care.

   Report out of Nashville: Dolly Parton in traffic accident. Her dual "airbags" obviously saved her life. 😊

   GIRL: “Have you ever done anything sexual before?” GUY: “Well, one time I came out of a v@gina naked”

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech

   Mr. Sandusky is going to open a new college called Bring em' Young!!

   TICKLING; Is like being raped but you're forced to laugh... And I totally hate it - _ -

   My fat friends all want to go to dinner and my skinny friends all want to go to yoga.