Funny Status Messages
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I am glad McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs! I would hate to order a McWeiner!...And don't even get me started on Super Size!!! 
David Boudia.... the first US man to win platform diving gold since Greg Louganis, and just as gay.
Your chances of becoming an Olympic Athlete are less than 1 in 10,000. Think about that for just a second. All Olympians should be proud of just having the opportunity to participate.
On your GPS you have options such as "AVOID TOLLS" or "AVOID HIGHWAYS"..... they REALLY need to add "AVOID GHETTO"....
Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs
When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.
Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.
Apparently anal sex is illegal in Iceland. Sadly enough for the American tax payer it's not an issue
There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a cashier girl in mall, grocery stores, or McDonald's, Subway...
if I had a nickel for every girl I slept with, I'd have...like...some nickels...
Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".
Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.
Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.
"I'm building a wall around New Mexico too! I don't need any New Mexicans when I'm still trying to get rid of the old ones" - Donald Trump
Fox News .. we put the @ss in seaxual harassment.
Everybody who hates Donald Trump is going to Hell. -Pope Francis
The way things are going, the only corporate sponsor of the Republican convention will be Trump Steaks.
If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!
If this guy making my damn sandwich goes as a sloth for Halloween I guarantee he will nail it!!
Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election? 