Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begging, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're wishing you had a club and a spade.

   "Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby."

   The NFL should have had Justin Bieber sing the National Anthem. What would be more un-american than Christina Aquilera forgetting the lyrics? A Canadian singing our National Anthem. (p.s. the camera still adds 40 pounds even if you are wearing black)

   can't believe Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. It's not like he puts all of his information out there or anything.

   Shirt tail under chin, shorts around ankles, both hands on pecker.......I just "little boy" peed

   HA HA HA! People believed it was all going to end today. I mean, really, an ancient calendar is actually going to predict the end of the wor.......

   Turning over a new LEAF doesn't mean I've changed~I'm still the same TREE~Jus using different branches to feel the sunshine in life~I've had enough of the shade

   MDS stand for multiple dumbass syndrome

   a girl called me once and said come over, nobody is home! I went there and she was right, nobody was home

   optimistic people say "nobody is perfect" ......all my haters say "he's nobody"....even my haters think i'm perfect

   thinking about smashing my face through this screen and becoming Seal for Halloween

   The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   when I try to solve a hard crosswword puzzle I try nor to get 2 down

   education should be free for those willing to learn

   I am glad McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs! I would hate to order a McWeiner!...And don't even get me started on Super Size!!!

   David Boudia.... the first US man to win platform diving gold since Greg Louganis, and just as gay.

   Your chances of becoming an Olympic Athlete are less than 1 in 10,000. Think about that for just a second. All Olympians should be proud of just having the opportunity to participate.

   On your GPS you have options such as "AVOID TOLLS" or "AVOID HIGHWAYS"..... they REALLY need to add "AVOID GHETTO"....

   Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs