Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Never Finish My Eraser Because It Is Either Stolen,Lost,or Cut In Half

   I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

   Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what's on the TV?” and ….. I said, “dust!”

   California judge overturns Proposition 8 gay marriage ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server crashes

   "Apparently the University of Kentucky basketball dynasty is to continue forever." - Philadelphia Inquirer, December 23 1954.

   now on Farmville and has opened a McDonalds near your Farm... this could explain your missing livestock...

   Just realized that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a reindeer.

   Whose bed HAVE my boots bed under? Seriously, I can't find them anywhere.

   Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.

   walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper

   When I was young I thought getting a yeast infection was sitting on dirty muffins while youre not wearing any underwear!

   puts the pro in procrastinate

   hosting a seminar with noted Theoretical Physicist, Stephen Hawking. The subject of the seminar is TIME TRAVEL with emphasis on theorems regarding singularities in the framework of general relativity. Please RSVP. Our first meeting will be last week.

   you are not a PC, you are a human being

   After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

   Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!

   wonders who the smart a$$ is putting all the w's in the M&M's?

   You need people like me so you can point your finger and say thats the bad guy.

   FOR SALE: straw house and stick house. Both in need of renovation. Apply brick house. No wolves.....

   humans......the only creatures who would actually invent a bunch of machines that throw you around, call it an amusement park, and we actually wait in long lines and PAY to do it!