Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some how I stabbed myself in the eye with the corner of a business card. Is that a good enough excuse to buy an eye patch and wear if for a week? Being a pirate for a.week would be awesome

   Lots of Movers and Shakers in Napa This Morning ...

   Boy the way Led Zeppelin played, songs that debuted on MTVeeem, guys like us were getting laid. . . those were the days. . .

   If Ray Rice and Jay-Z have taught me anything this year it's just take the stairs…forget those elevators

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   "Don't try to understand everything. Sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted"; it means, I need money, or I'm idiot, or I'm crazy.

   Happy International Men's Day!!!

   Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpies. Then laugh all you want, but you'll still have herpies.

   Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a stick shift, you have a girlfriend ...

   There are three sure signs of getting old. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two. -

   I just sneezed while taking a piss and now I have to move.

   If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass

   Bills are like vegetables; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   In life you've got to learn to take your time with things. That's why I went to the first grade twice.

   Shutting down the computer and realizing you need it again -_-

   celebrating the 4th by putting pop-rocks in the vaseline!!

   Let be grateful for the people who make us happy and get rid of the deadwood that makes us sad.

   Hoarder is such a bad word.... I Prefer the term "Clutter Junkie"

   Fridays are like a metaphor for mullets.....Business during the day, and partying at night!