Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they call it "the birds and the bees"? I can't imagine those two getting freaky with each other."

   Alzheimers isn't so bad...I been playing I spy with my little eye..by myself for hours

   I break out into so many random, and quite frankly, brillant dance moves in my kitchen I'm shocked I'm not StepUp-famous.

   Can't wait till I'm old and I can play the 'fall asleep' card in awkward situations

   We live in a world that says The "Walk of Shame" is after having sex, but walking out of a bathroom after dropping the ultimate stink bomb is a prestigious accomplishment.

   note to self.... on the night your wife turns 33... she is not TWICE as flexible as a 16 1/2 year old...

   I like a strong woman with a broken accent. They no like game, take slow time to know & want ask this to you so for please no lie.

   Whenever women make fun of me because I'm poor, it really hurts. Iv'e been poor my whole adult life. I can't help it if I have an earning disability

   Justin Bieber charged w/ battering a photographer. Chris Brown & F. Mayweather said they would've handled it for him, but it wasn't a woman.

   ..is (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)>...All eyes on you! (",)

   Lost his teddy bear.. Will you sleep with me?

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating my mutt for hours and she still won't tell me who's a good girl..

   They have nothing in their whole imperial arsenal that can break the spirit of one Irishman who doesn't want to be broken. (Bobby Sands)

   It must be a tough for someone who suffers with Bulimia and OCD. Imagine eating alphabet soup & trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   I think it'd be cool if they put up a statue of me in a park where I'm shirtless and carving a statue of myself.

   I'd like to Jack Bauer this alleged Saudi suspect....

   "I'd LOVE to lick your mackerel but I CAN'T! Michael Douglas says it'll give me throat cancer!"

   What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...

   for the question "Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair? The answer is no. They use static electricity from the carpet.