Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Final destination she says. All destinations are final. Not need to use final there lady. Thats what the word means, destiny = final. If you haven't got where you're going, you're not there yet!

   Joe the Bartender: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife so your chances of finding these qualities in slim to none. So start with the bed part and work from t

   with all the snow and ice; there is no traffic so everyone head outside and just stand in the street...start shakin it to poker face and flash dance!

   That awkward moment when someone sits in your seat

   throwing rocks at the person throwing rocks at you...

   afraid to cook and eat eggs now. What if Lady Gaga is in one of them? She might get upset and beat me up.

   There should be an Option on Facebook to change the language from English to Charle Sheen "dying is for Fools"

   When visiting the plastic surgeon's office, never go for the sales rack.

   I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!

   Stealing someone else's words saves you the embarrassment of eating your own.

   Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. How stupid. Something intelligent and original would be World B Free.

   Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!

   I wish my parents never named me. That way it would be much easier to be a CIA agent.

   To Tweet.. or Not to Tweet..? That is the question... Whoa..Wait! I DID NOT just Say that!

   Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

   We let you do whatever you want. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever come here?? - Nevada's State Motto

   Based on recent observation, I honestly believe that (insert state name) is a breeding ground for Land Manatees. :-/

   I wonder if I'm the only person who makes the "oh my god" face when I poot really loud in a packed out restroom

   I just saw a crocodile with an 80s dude on his shirt pocket.

   F*ck your feelings. You never cared about mine, So why should I care about yours?