Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know life sucks when you have to start wearing "corrective" underwear.

   Girls, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a guy that makes more money. Guys, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a girl you like seeing naked... better.

   saving money and recycling my peanuts

   invented the eye roll in <insert year you were born>, seriously I started that.

   I just gave my chiwawa a can of mighty dog. He is now in alaska pulling a dog sled. By himself

   *Looks at the world* --- *Looks at his keyboard and furiously presses Alt+Ctrl+Del*

   Mornings would go a lot smoother if someone would introduce "Garanimals" for men. Tags match? The outfit will work!

   "I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

   's doctor advised her to eat better, excercise more and quit drinking. Incidentally, X has out lived her last three doctor's that suggested the same thing.

   "no one told you life was gonna be this way," but later in the same song... "you're mother warned you there'd be days like these"...well did your mother tell you or not? Can I get some consistency please?

   I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, they were new to me.

   the inventer of the "High Five"!!! - (you're welcome)

   Lil'Wayne must be strong if he can pick the world up and drop it on my head

   Day after Halloween party at my place for the ladies. Come to my house in a hot sexy costume for tricks or treats or both. ;0)

   Get out from my memory !!!

   Well at least he was voted most popular kid in high school that rode the short bus because he could buy beer legally without needing a fake ID.

   IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT just in from Apple! Now not only including the Beatles music addition to the Itunes Store. They have also announced the addition of "The Greatest Polka Hits of "Lawrence Welk"!! Hurry over there now and get your digital copy now!

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a watermelon... just ask that chick on the amazing race...

   Can you really get everything you want at Alice's Restaurant ? (except for Alice)..

   some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.