Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earlier I dug into my couch cushions, found Wyclef's career and my long lost TV's remote. I put Wyclef's career back coz no one is looking for it.

   Ecuador gave Julian Assange asylum because they're afraid he'll tell everyone which countries they think are cute.

   somewhere two dudes just ordered mochas from Starbucks and are calling them "brochas" and high fiving

   JT doesn't stand for Justin Timberlake...but for JUST TIRED

   A pizza is a pie chart that shows you exactly how pizza you have eaten and how much is left.

   We haven't lost an hour, we loaned it to the illusion we call "time". "Time" will pay us back in full at 2am on Sun., Nov 3. This is an interest free loan, and means there are no seconds, minutes, or hours assessed.

   I see that they chose a Pope from South America instead of Africa which is a shame. I was really looking forward to a Pope Marktavious....

   Hello from the depths of loathing and self-pity festering in the sleep-deprived world of yellow cabs and chain-smoking drunken remorse.

   Thursday evening is when I am at my most sober. Hate it more than Mondays.

   Thailand tourism - boys will be boys, the girls will be boys too

   Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here.

   Nothing's driving me insane. Insane is in the passenger seat screaming for it's dear life.

   If I was a billionaire, I would fly all over the world in my private jet helping poor people, feeding hungry kids, and b itches.

   I don't date because I have a kitten. Making more than one pu$$y happy is hard I tell you.

   Every time I see a continuous smile on a person's face, I get paranoid that they might be insecure with no money or nice partner.

   i have no new years resolution. I can't take the pressure to keep one

   DIARY OF A BACHELOR - Day 689: I am happy to report that I am still in total control and command of my sperm which I continue to manage successfully and thus have not impregnated any female out of wedlock, thanks mostly to self-control and quality c0ndoms

   OK FB friends, quit asking questions on FB. You know how the internet works, don't you??