Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm really good at totally screwing myself over

   Some people carb load, I caffiene load, which is just a gateway load leading to tequila loading.

   I have just one word for my critics. Kissmyass...

   The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

   Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

   It's embarrassing when I get caught dressing one of you with my eyes.

   I brought sexy back but I brought it from the 70s and now everyone is laughing at my clothes.

   So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

   Tried to share a Burger with a Homeless guy ..He said F#K OFF!! Buy Your OWN!!!

   You guys are SO lucky that I "like" posts on a curve

   To be fair, my hand is prettier than most of the girls I've slept with, I should stop cheating on it.

   Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.

   I bet one of these powerful Olympic women could sit on my face & suck out my fillings with one Kegel....Unnhmmm Hope Solo.

   he gets his morals from the men's room wall.

   Show me a poor person who doesn't want to be rich and I'll show you a liar…

   If I just cleaned the floor I'm watching your steps like you're gonna steal something.

   Open Mic Night: When You Can't Quite Land A Gig

   My parents are great people, except when they invite their crazy relatives

   Quitting whilst you're ahead is all very well until it comes to sex.

   I want to be the reason your pants tighten.