Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   FYI: A group of meth labs is called a "Missouri."

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   Yeah Right,, like YOU'VE never told a screaming child in 7-11 you had a surprise for him,, reached into your pocket,, and pulled out a middle finger...

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,