Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg

   Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   US are specialists in making two countries fight.......Now they are fighting within themselves........Karma you Beauty

   Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!

   Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!

   I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.

   Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...

   I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m

   ME: I miss you KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.

   Lower my gluten intake the doctor said. Over my bread body!

   11.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   To say things are going "swimmingly" is always a good thing. Except when you're on a cruise.