Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!

   Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

   Don't forget that the guy who's the reason for the season loves you! And I don't mean Sam Walton.

   Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?

   Betty white to preform at next year at 2022 Superbowl ...

   Great Britain just opting for free agency trying to get some of that sweet NBA rising salary cap money.

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."

   Crooked Melania: So which is better, admitting she lied about writing the speech, or admitting she plagiarized?

   Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."

   When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.

   To the Mayor of North Carolina: Corey Feldman could clear the streets with one song.

   The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead.

   The somke detector is not a timer...

   Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right