Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.

   Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...

   I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m

   ME: I miss you KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.

   Lower my gluten intake the doctor said. Over my bread body!

   US are specialists in making two countries fight.......Now they are fighting within themselves........Karma you Beauty

   Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!

   Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!

   I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.

   Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.

   Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.

   co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people

   Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛

   You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg