Funny Status Messages

   You lost me at, ‘We need to talk’.

   licking cheeto dust off his fingers counts as foreplay, right?

   There's a HUGE difference between sarcastic and sardonic. I'd call you intellectually challenged but I'm fresh out of euphemisms.

   Inspire someone to leave the house, by setting it on fire.

   Give me constant mixed messages so I know..............nothing.

   mondays that pretend to be sundays....

   And that's how Tax returns were spent in 2015 - aka the mayweather vs pacquiao tax return .

   Like a good neighbor..... Me and Meyham from Allstate threw a party in your house because you bragged all about your vacation on Facebook.

   "We need to talk" - Your Finances

   The only drinking problem I have is, I DON'T have a drink !

   If your keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you're losing...

   Call me crazy, but I want more. More sex, more love, more LIFE.

   It would seem there's a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you.

   Oprah has been engaged to her boyfriend Stedman for 20 years and my girlfriend complaining its only been seven years since we got engaged.

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast and for. Mon

   Who's birdbrained? They flew south while we are freezing are asses off in this polar vortex

   What time does the Puppy Bowl start??

   I’ll see your two hour spinning class, and raise you 15 minutes on the treadmill

   I am not going bald on the crown of my head, it's an alien crop circle.

   My wife's snoring was so bad, I woke up and thought my buddies came over on their Harleys.