Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook -- a place to indulge your ADD and OCD all in one place.

   The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.

   Nothing like a sentence that goes nowhere.

   Why is "Children in need" always towards christmas time? Having to give gifts to the kids I already know is hard enough, but I have worked it out, their more happy with an empty box then the gift...

   Save electricity!!! No point of turning the bathroom lights on if you're planning on just sitting there.

   MY gf says I would look real sexy with a Brazilian ..so I'm off to First choice hope she likes it, and its only ..$17.99.

   Its not the heat, its your FACE!!!

   You were on my good side, until you told me that you believe Elvis is still alive.

   I'm trying to rule the world, you want to own a lot of shoes. We're not on the same playing field.

   Made a list of all the things I still want to do while I'm alive. I put "listen to a Justin Bieber cd" straight after "Suicide". Cant wait...

   thought I had a touch of Alzheimer's, but I had forgotten what the symptoms were.

   I was looking through and fondeling melons today at Wal-Mart.

   I like to bury my huevos every day, not just today

   Ex-teammate says Lance Armstrong used PED's...I think I speak for everyone when I say "You didn't know till now?"

   whatever you do, no matter how hard it is. never engage panic mode

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   I think the scientific term for life is, "that's some bullsh*t."

   so many bad things happening in this world at this moment like iggy azalea

   Sharks in the ocean? what's next, birds flying in the sky? when will the craziness end?

   If you want the perfect girlfriend date Wonder Woman..Oh wait, she's not real either!