Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?

   with or without you, I'm still going...

   says all people have the right to stupidity but far far too many people abuse that privilege! o_o

   Don't try to outweird me--I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

   What will happen during the LOST series finale? My guess is that Matthew Fox wakes up back in Chicago next to Suzanne Pleshette.

   did you know that Women in New York may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

   if brain cells were made from dynamite, you wouldnt have enough to blow your nose!

   going downhill from now on! HEY. that's the way I roll....

   anyone else noticed that the orbits girl in the commercial is different now? What happened to the original orbits girl?

   ...Brad Pitt may favor death penalty after BP oil spill. Says execs should hafta watch “Meet Joe Black” over & over til they kill themselves!

   My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

   I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.

   Never assume your boss will find the dancing nude lady screen saver you put on the company computer as entertaining as you do.

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.

   Error 404 : Honestly, our developers have yet to create that file!

   I take the cat approach to things now. When people that I don't like pass by, I just hiss at them.

   One would think it impossible for Turkey Jerky to actually taste as revolting as it sounds. One would be wrong.

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...