Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/

   I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!

   I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

   Wonder how many wife's the guy who giving marriage tips has gone through?

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   f you're not offending anyone here, you're not trying hard enough.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   If things are slippery when wet, then why is it so hard to get socks on my wet feet?

   I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.

   Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?