Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

   Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.

   ... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   When asked my weight, I give what it is on the Moon.

   You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.

   Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.

   I'm gonna party this weekend like its THE PURGE

   If your name is Hollywood there is a 100% guarantee your star power is 0.

   Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I don't feel like I'd be able to stab a zombie during the apocalypse.