Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.

   WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !

   "When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !

   You go to the refrigerator to see if something is appealing and later on you return to see if anything is appealing as if something magically appeared. Same as checking Facebook throughout the day- the same ol' over and over.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   So...this new show called The Wall. Is this what Donald Trump was talking about the whole time? Advertising an hour long game show about Plinko?

   My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.

   A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."