Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.

   Scorpio, Libra, Pisces, Cancer, Virgo, Leo: Selfless lovers. There's nothing they wouldn't do for the people they love. Including hiding a dead body....

   Piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists

   My life goal is to buy white jeans and spill grape juice on them.

   There are so many dogs on the internet that we forget about newborn alpacas....

   I learned something about Prince, that doves actually cry. Hmmmm.

   [Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

   Do people who say "You gotta fight fire with fire" not understand how fire works?

   Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here at Starbucks.

   i don't hate anyone, I have just lost all respect for the person who cant understand me at any point of time after doin evrythn 4 them

   Listen. I love you all and understand you have the right to your ideas and opinions. But I am sick to death of the posts congratulating the Pittsburgh Penguins. Have you no decency?

   My parents while naming me must have thought "lets give him a name which will make a strong password and no one can guess

   When you get married, don't have more children than your car windows.

   Even if I had an antidote for fixing stupid people I won't cure them, why should I kill the entertainment of my life.

   No matter how hard life gets just remember there are always people out there who love you, if you pay them enough.

   She had me when she changed her relationship status to: DTF

   Cavs agree to Love trade". Oh, so THAT'S how they can afford to pay both Lebron and Kyrie!

   ‎#1 Bullsht: It's NEVER too late... Well, sometimes IT IS too late. Call them lessons learned.

   4 hour naps suck! I don't even know whether it's daytime still or night time already...