Funny Status Messages

   I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!

   I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.

   David Beckham does some amazing football tricks.. I hear that he managed to hit Katherine Jenkins chin with two balls.

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   I have two blood pressures. The one I normally have all day, and the one when my wife needs to borrow my phone.

   Sometimes a long distance relationship just means opposite ends of the couch.

   you don't have to say everything you think

   Just saved a bunch of money by switching my insurance to passenger seats

   I just heard that you should never enter into a marriage lightly...Heck, I must have been 275 lbs when I got married! So i'm good,,,

   I spent most of my money on whiskey.hot cars,fast women, and motorcycles....and the rest of it I just wasted.

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   I replaced hating everything with Justin Beiber. . .

   If the condom don't fit you must acquit - Darren Sharpers Defense

   Just got more spam from AmishGuy -- I am starting to wonder if it's legit.

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.

   Scorpio, Libra, Pisces, Cancer, Virgo, Leo: Selfless lovers. There's nothing they wouldn't do for the people they love. Including hiding a dead body....