Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business? Me: Oh no! Wife: What? Me: Bankruptsea!

   RAPUNZEL: oh no I'm out of hair JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

   I might be a 42 year old woman but I identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

   Huh... I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

   What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!” Wouldn’t t

   This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

   "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot

   my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

   *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

   There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?

   No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

   My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.

   My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.

   My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you. In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

   Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

   [on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!