Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The economy sux so bad that, I am reciving per-declined credit offers in the mail...

   I just ran over a Pikachu and a Primeape with my car. Now I think Officer Jenny is after me.

   Find out your porn name by moving to LA with aim to become an actor.

   Maybe broccoli doesn't like you either....

   Don't want to jump to conclusions but you look like you have a porch couch.

   Right now at this very moment I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

   I hate when people talk about "slutty" clothing. First of all that's sexist, and second it should be called "sexually activewear."

   People that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!

   Soimeone tossed me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit. I threw a trash can over it til it was dead....

   Sesame Street fired 3 of its human actors. Don't say Donald Trump didn't warn us about good American jobs going to Muppets.

   It's really awkward when you receive a friend request on Facebook from someone you are already friends with. They say they are hacked, but you like the hacker more then you like them.

   Ancient ad featuring a very young Rolling Stones singing. Because of their age now, they should call their next shows the "Snap, Crackle, and Pop Tour".

   Sweaty in the streets and still sweaty in the sheets.

   Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.

   The only positive to attending a school recital is being able to fall asleep knowing your partner can't yell at you....

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "geek magic."

   At least Ryan Lochte didn't say he invented the airplane.

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.

   My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.