Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you believe everything is a conspiracy theory, blame 8t on psychosis.

   Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex

   [laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   therapist: you suffer from social isolation me: oh no therapist: you just need to talk to people me: OH NO

   I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.

   hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

   I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.

   Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business? Me: Oh no! Wife: What? Me: Bankruptsea!

   RAPUNZEL: oh no I'm out of hair JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

   I might be a 42 year old woman but I identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

   Huh... I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

   What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!” Wouldn’t t

   This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

   "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot

   my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

   *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*