Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OJ Simpson has got 2 things every man wants, a Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

   PETA is after me. I made Tuna Fish Soft Tacos. I used Dolphin-Safe Tuna, but All-Porpoise flour. THAT'S FUNNY...SHADDAP!

   Anyone know how to get half a cat out of my car grill? Anyone???

   wishing everyone a happy Friday eve!

   What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.

   I'm trying to master the art of eating a powdered doughnut, without looking like I just got back from the White House

   * Well it's April and it didn't miraculously go away like he said it would.

   Just scratched 2+2=5 on the back bumper of a smart car.

   The following sentence is true: The previous sentence is false. (

   : Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

   Jets fans relax, I know being in the playoffs is exciting but the bengals let you win so enjoy it while it last....... Cause it's over come Saturday.

   I never like to judge a book by it's cover, but I think those black guys with masks across the street holding guns and knives aren't out looking for their dogs!

   once took a piss into the gas tank of a freight truck as a joke. That freight truck is now known as optimis prime

   If you held up 11 roses into a mirror, you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

   Am I the only one thats tired of hear about the whole Treyvon thing? There is other stuff going on in the world. Like did you hear that Kim K. is dating Kanye! OMG!

   24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

   "would like ""Bailouts for millionaires"" for 700 billion, Alex. "

   Waiting on my Canada Smoke Stimulus Check

   So here's the deal... If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church... So, if I delete you... You know why, Just a heads up....

   Biden won because Don's a con.