Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Comes to earth when mars gets boring

   Just call her the Carpenter's Special: flat as a board and never been nailed.

   not suitable for all audiences...contains bad language from the start and scenes of a sexual nature

   OMG, I"m in real trouble, if anyone asks, I was on Facebook all night, I think they finally found out what I did for that Klondike bar!!!!

   The Frog... "Time's fun when you're having flies."

   , if love isn't a game then why are there so many players?

   While the women were attending the "Sex and the City 2" premiere... the men were enjoying "Sex outside the City Too"...

   Thoughts lead to words... Words lead to actions... Actions build your character... Your character determines your destiny.

   wishes the hair on his face would grow in as dark and as thick as the hair on his butt!!

   After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for... It's to put your foot on, to get the tight ba$tard off! Or maybe that's just me?

   sad no one wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't too surprising since its not her birthday

   Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   I went to the bookstore to buy a 'Where's Waldo' book, but couldn't find one ANYWHERE. Well played, Waldo. Well played, indeed.

   I'm wearing shorts today..just resized how much pee splashes when your going pee in the toilet..

   Selena Gomez was rushed to a local hospital suffering from nausea and a severe headache. .....She's probably been infected by Bieber fever....

   Agnostics are just athiests without balls......;)

   "This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."

   My name is __________ and my goal is to make you smile.

   Q. What's DNA stand for? A. National Dyslexics Association

   If heaven is gonna be full of religious fanatics n 'holier than thou' people, I am not going...